I have a blog already. This one. I just don't use it because I can't be bothered.
"They", by the way, refers to a couple of people from work (well, mostly Alex) apparently liking the things I say on Facebook. Personally I'm not sure if that's true or just an elaborate conspiracy to get me to stop cluttering their news feeds. But I like to take people at face value.
In the name of irony, I am going to blog about why I don't blog. Well, more specifically about why the things I say on Facebook wouldn't make good blog material. I can blog just fine when I can be arsed, as I am about to demonstrate.
Put simply, I have a rather specific posting style on my Facebook statuses that does not translate well to blog form. Status messages are meant to be short and sweet, limited to a sentence or two. I prefer Facebook over Twitter because it lacks the 140-character limit, but I feel the principle of posting short anecdotes still applies. Facebook, by its very format, is clearly meant to be read by people who don't want to pay attention to any single item for more than about five to ten seconds or so.
Which is why, when I post something on Facebook about things that happen during my day, I like to be brief.
And by being brief on Facebook, I've learned to have a lot of fun "enhancing" the truth.
No, no, I don't lie. I just pick specific details to emphasise- leaving out the context and presenting only the conclusion so as to properly demonstrate just how wacky and out-there it something actually is. Pepper with a little bit of snarky sarcasm and serve.
What we're left with is something that sounds interesting, and yet leaves enough to imagination that the reader will probably invent their own far more interesting version of the truth. (Or otherwise, encourage any interested parties to ask for the rest of the story.)
Now, this posting style does not lend itself well to a blog, where I'm not constrained by any limits on how brief to make my comments. Obviously a blog is no place to summarise your life in a snappy one-liner and leave it at that (well, unless it's a Tumblr "blog"). And when it comes to my life, well, I don't like talking to a whole crowd about my day, because it's usually not all that interesting, except maybe to those already invested in my life.
Maybe that's because I all but grew up on the internet- a land where most of what you say about your "feelings" and things that happened to you lately are met with "haha, nobody cares", but I've come to understand that if I want people to care about what I say, it needs to somehow be relevant or interesting to them. Something that makes a point, gives you something to think about or in any way affects you.
Like recommending that you try a cheese and strawberry sandwich.
No, seriously, go do that.
Stop wondering whether or not I put on clothes and left the house today and make yourself a cheese and strawberry sandwich. If you don't have strawberries, jam is fine too.
Go on, try it.
I'm done here.
Hello Again, World
It has been a while since I posted here. Not a whole lot to say right now. Was originally planning to continue that story I started, but there's been no inspiration for the next part. Haven't forgotten about this blog though. Will update with something soon.
Greg, Part One
There is an old man who lives on the end of the street. Greg is his name.
Greg used to have a small orchard in his garden. And not just any orchard, either. He had won many a prize for his delicious peaches, and grew many other impressive things besides.
Greg took a lot of pride in his garden. Despite that, he was nice enough that he always let the kids from the local orphanage come and help themselves to anything they wanted save for his prized peaches.
This arrangement worked well. The orphans were incredibly grateful to Greg, and he was glad of the extra company.
But, kids will be kids and the peace was short-lived. One day, Greg's grandson, Simon, came to visit. Simon saw a small boy and girl eating from the garden, and he told them all about how delicious his grandfather's award-winning peaches were.
They looked around, and picked one each, since nobody was watching. Or so they thought...
Just as Simon had said, they were the most delicious peaches the children had ever tasted.
Greg rushed out of his house and caught up to the children as they were leaving. He had told the rascals not to touch his peaches and they disobeyed!
And so he dragged them both out of the garden, kicked the girl in the stomach, forbade them from returning and hired an armed guard to make sure that nobody enter his garden ever again.
And so all was well again, for a while.
To Be Continued...
Fuck You, Pigeons.
I have a basic understanding of what an ecosystem is. In a stable ecosystem, everything balances and keeps something else in check. If herbivores reproduce too much, the size of their population means they eat up all the edible plants in the region and all die out as a result. As such, there are predators, who hunt and eat the herbivores. A similar principle applies here for keeping THEIR population in check.
With oxygen and carbon dioxide, we humans convert one to the other by breathing and the plants and trees convert it back with photosynthesis. We do something for each other.
All this and more is part of a balanced ecosystem the stability of which everything depends on.
Every living thing (and many nonliving things) is part of an ecosystem, and most of the things I can think of, from microscopic organisms to the tallest giraffes and the heaviest whales, ultimately do something productive for it.
Except pigeons.
What the fuck do pigeons do for anything?
They eat the things we throw away, and they shit on the things we don't.
If you love something, and you keep it outdoors for long enough, it will inevitably be shat on by a pigeon.
That pigeon was likely just eating some breadcrumbs or something that you dropped the other week, too.
I seriously have no idea what pigeons actually do to benefit anyone or anything.
They are nature's most ungrateful freeloaders.
Fuck pigeons.
With oxygen and carbon dioxide, we humans convert one to the other by breathing and the plants and trees convert it back with photosynthesis. We do something for each other.
All this and more is part of a balanced ecosystem the stability of which everything depends on.
Every living thing (and many nonliving things) is part of an ecosystem, and most of the things I can think of, from microscopic organisms to the tallest giraffes and the heaviest whales, ultimately do something productive for it.
Except pigeons.
What the fuck do pigeons do for anything?
They eat the things we throw away, and they shit on the things we don't.
If you love something, and you keep it outdoors for long enough, it will inevitably be shat on by a pigeon.
That pigeon was likely just eating some breadcrumbs or something that you dropped the other week, too.
I seriously have no idea what pigeons actually do to benefit anyone or anything.
They are nature's most ungrateful freeloaders.
Fuck pigeons.
Anti-Piracy Is Evil, Or At Least Retarded.
I despise anti-piracy adverts. I despise pretty much everything to do with the notion of "fighting piracy".
No, I don't hate artists, writers, filmmakers or game designers. I want them to do well for themselves.
But the entire pirate witch hunt (and I mean it, that's what it's escalating into) seems to me so much worse. Not because of any kind of legal reason, but because it's just so fucking stupid. Most these people don't have a clue what they're talking about and the rest are just assholes.
Really, from DRM to most anti-piracy adverts, it all feels like an attack on the viewer's character and an accusation against their morality, even once you ignore the parts that are outright propaganda.
With DRM, you essentially accuse your entire market of being thieves- AFTER they've paid for the product. If a car dealer started doing exactly what game publishers do with DRM, he'd basically be hiring a guy to follow you home after you buy the car, to make sure you don't try any funny business like lending it to your non-car-owning sister or something. It does exactly fuck all to the real "thieves" and only inconveniences the paying customer.
And the anti-piracy adverts. The unskippable ones that run before DVDs, and films in cinemas?
Preaching to the converted. It's just glaring angrily at paying customers and saying "I've got my eye on you...". It's also fucking annoying. No, these people are not going to kill your industry any more than cassette tape recorders destroyed the music industry back in the '80s. As Gabe Newell said, "Piracy is a service problem.", and if people aren't paying full price to see your damn movie it's not because they want to kick you in the balls, it's because something else is deterring them. Perhaps it's your prices. Perhaps its the fact the movie sucks ass. Perhaps it IS your annoying, morally-accusing adverts- pirates can edit those out, you know.
In my entire film-watching, music-listening, game-playing "career" as a law-abiding consumer, I have exactly once seen a *good* example of anti-piracy measures (Valve notwithstanding).
It was an advert that played on a rental DVD I got from LoveFilm (speaking of which, how does the rental industry not hurt the film/game industry in the same way piracy and preowned supposedly do?).
It simply said, "By purchasing this DVD, you are supporting the UK Film Industry! THANK YOU!". I felt all warm and fuzzy and really did feel sad that the film was a rental rather than one I'd actually bought.
That's how it's done, people. Don't treat paying customers like shit because you need a scapegoat for your shoddy service. Thank those customers for their commitment and help.
Your customers are not beneath you, consumers are not livestock and they do not depend on you. Some of them are smart and most of them don't like being screwed around.
Be nice to them. Don't rip them off. Let them know you appreciate their business.
Put customer loyalty before excess profits and do business with a smile, a handshake and a bit of good old fashioned integrity.
Bad service is piracy's greatest advertisement.
Sometimes I swear I'm practically the only person in the world who understands how to run a gorram business.
Aaand I'm done.
No, I don't hate artists, writers, filmmakers or game designers. I want them to do well for themselves.
But the entire pirate witch hunt (and I mean it, that's what it's escalating into) seems to me so much worse. Not because of any kind of legal reason, but because it's just so fucking stupid. Most these people don't have a clue what they're talking about and the rest are just assholes.
Really, from DRM to most anti-piracy adverts, it all feels like an attack on the viewer's character and an accusation against their morality, even once you ignore the parts that are outright propaganda.
With DRM, you essentially accuse your entire market of being thieves- AFTER they've paid for the product. If a car dealer started doing exactly what game publishers do with DRM, he'd basically be hiring a guy to follow you home after you buy the car, to make sure you don't try any funny business like lending it to your non-car-owning sister or something. It does exactly fuck all to the real "thieves" and only inconveniences the paying customer.
And the anti-piracy adverts. The unskippable ones that run before DVDs, and films in cinemas?
Preaching to the converted. It's just glaring angrily at paying customers and saying "I've got my eye on you...". It's also fucking annoying. No, these people are not going to kill your industry any more than cassette tape recorders destroyed the music industry back in the '80s. As Gabe Newell said, "Piracy is a service problem.", and if people aren't paying full price to see your damn movie it's not because they want to kick you in the balls, it's because something else is deterring them. Perhaps it's your prices. Perhaps its the fact the movie sucks ass. Perhaps it IS your annoying, morally-accusing adverts- pirates can edit those out, you know.
In my entire film-watching, music-listening, game-playing "career" as a law-abiding consumer, I have exactly once seen a *good* example of anti-piracy measures (Valve notwithstanding).
It was an advert that played on a rental DVD I got from LoveFilm (speaking of which, how does the rental industry not hurt the film/game industry in the same way piracy and preowned supposedly do?).
It simply said, "By purchasing this DVD, you are supporting the UK Film Industry! THANK YOU!". I felt all warm and fuzzy and really did feel sad that the film was a rental rather than one I'd actually bought.
That's how it's done, people. Don't treat paying customers like shit because you need a scapegoat for your shoddy service. Thank those customers for their commitment and help.
Your customers are not beneath you, consumers are not livestock and they do not depend on you. Some of them are smart and most of them don't like being screwed around.
Be nice to them. Don't rip them off. Let them know you appreciate their business.
Put customer loyalty before excess profits and do business with a smile, a handshake and a bit of good old fashioned integrity.
Bad service is piracy's greatest advertisement.
Sometimes I swear I'm practically the only person in the world who understands how to run a gorram business.
Aaand I'm done.
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